the journey…

http://cassy-kc.com

February… known as the month of love… because of the valentine’s day :). Every time I go to a mall, all the decoration are about love… with hearts, flowers, candy, cute teddy bears… encouraging people to start shopping for valentine’s day presents for the love one.

For years, I never think of Valentine’s day as a special day… for me it’s just another festive day.. though I admit that I do feel glad if I receive something from someone that I like/love ;). — Looking back to my past, I remember the first time I got a valentine card from a guy when I was in my last year of senior high school… This guy was giving me the card, inside a geography book, and he put the book inside my backpack :). Second experience about Valentine’s day… There was a guy who was a part of my life once a few years back, and this guy hated valentine’s day (I hope he has changed now :p), cos his b’day exactly on 14th Feb :). That time I was the one giving him a CD with songs arranged especially for him, as a b’day (& valentine’s) gift. And the last one, also someone who was once a part of my life… he didnt like the tradition of valentine’s day, though he wanted to surprise me… so he sent me red roses to my office on 13th of Feb and made those who saw the flowers envy ;).

Though it’s not a very special day for me, I still feel like to write and talk about love in this month of February :).

Today, one of my best friend called on his way back home… and we were talking about feelings… how we are usually dragged down by feelings to situation that our logic doesn’t approve. It’s difficult to fight the feelings over the mind. Very often we tend to give up to feelings, and becoming irrational. There’s a time when we cannot understand what we actually want in life, because all the acts we’re doing driven by feelings. Is it a good thing or is it not?

To feel that someone needs you, and wants you so much.. makes you feel flying up to the sky… it’s a pleasure feeling… — I like to describe it as being in the state of high… like when you’re taking drugs :p. But does this feeling is what we call as love? Or is it just a state of being happy and turn out to be an illusion?

Well, I’ll try to ask a few people around about it.. and I will write it down again in the next few days what actually people think about love :).

– And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make — (The Beatles)

I’m hearing Jamie Cullun singing ‘It’s about time’ in my head since I was on the way back home from office… And when I spent some time in the gym… ‘It’s about time’ still staying on my mind… and then I called my sister checking how she’s doing… and chatting with her by the end… ‘It’s about time’ keeps on singing in my mind…

Walking down to the water’s edge
Where I have been before
If I don’t find my love sometime
I’m walking out that door
Some may come and some may go
But no-one seems to be the person I’ve been searching for
The one whose meant for me

Biding my time, trying to find a heart that’s lonely
Looking for her, my love my one and only
Maybe I’ll dream, tonight about the girl who’ll be coming my way
So I’ll take this chance and celebrate the day
When I’m making my way through an open door
I’ve got some love and so much more
And I"m ready to make someone mine
Making my way through an open door
I’ve got some love and so much more
And I’ll find her, ‘cos it’s about time

You try too hard and it feels just like
You’re running on thin air
Why does luck happen by suprise
If you don’t really care
The past is gone the flames are out
From fires that have burned
New ideals and different thoughts
From lessons I have learned

Got the feeling this could take a pretty long while
To find that smile
Put my faith in another piece of good advice
Well I tried that twice
Waiting for, a little something more
To inspire, take me higher
It’s about time

And I remember that I set this song as a ring tone for certain names in my phone… and after wandering and wondering … i guess.. it’s about time for me leave the past… it’s about time for me to change the ring tone, or else i will just wasting my time… time to really move on.. not just planning to move on…

I cannot forgive myself if I stay for another few years with the uncertainty and let myself do nothing. There are a lot of big dreams for me to achieve… There are still a lot of people out there for me to meet… There are still a lot of new ideas for me to write… There are a lot of new places i want to visit… and there is a true love for me to find :), and so many other things to do… time to push myself move forward..

• It’s about time for me to let go
• It’s about time for me to refresh my mind
• It’s about time for me to start dating again
• It’s about time for me to open myself for a new real love
• It’s about time for me to start making my travel plan
• It’s about time for me to start thinking about how to move to other country (‘m not running away, but i’m realizing my dream ;p)
• It’s about time for me to make a change… though just a little one
• It’s about time for me to start working on my book
• It’s about time for me to do my purpose in this world… to share the good life and love to others

So that on my last day on earth… I will feel relieve, that I have done things that I should do… I can leave with a big smile, since I know I have done my part… I have shared my part, my love, my life… and I can close the big book without a pain

- If you believe yourself worthy of the thing you fought so hard to get, then you become an instrument of God, you help the Soul of the World, and you understand why you are here - said my favorite writer in on of his famous book

The word comes up to my mind this afternoon. And for few hours I keep on thinking what serendipity in reality is.

As usual when I’m intrigued by certain words, I always try to look at the dictionary.

Serendipity – chance, fate, destiny, coincidence

n. pure luck in discovering things you were not looking for

n. ability to make valuable discoveries by accident

There are a lot of things in life that seems like a serendipity… or a coincidence when I never thought of going to get through it.

Every person that I meet by any chance, and becoming a part of my life…

Every episode happening in my life…

Every story I have been through…

Sometimes things seems like a coincidence… a serendipity… though I believe… that every second happen in our life… all are planned… beautifully with all the reason that we cannot always understand. Our creator does have a very good taste, sense of humor, and great design for every step we have to follow.

Serendipity also acts like a good omen for us, nurturing hopes of dreams. When things seem impossible and when people start to feel hopeless, the present of serendipity can bring hopes back again and awareness that there’s something big out there… (it’s God for me) watching over us… and sending their angels and signs… as a promise… that He’ll help us to get through the impossible and realizing our dreams.

I remember, in 2006, when I was in Brisbane for a business trip, on one of the weekend, I went to a church… St. John – big old Anglican church… it was quiet… only a few people coming for the service, all of them are over their 50 (except me off course ;p). I went to that church because I felt desperate for talking to God, about the heart matters I had by that time. And I met this lady… she was almost 60. She sat there beside me on the 6pm service. She started to make conversation asking where I came from, on what purpose I was in there, etc… and by the end she invited me to join the next service on 7pm where she said there will be a beautiful choir in the main building of the church. Since I had nothing else to do on that Sunday night, so I decided to accept her invitation, and stay there to listen to the choir… nothing to lose for me, since I enjoy music, including the gospel choir. She finally told me her life story, about her marriage life, her past life, her current life (by that time it was still current), about her daughter being a musician, etc. And when we’re about to go home the weather quite chilly and she has missed the bus she should take. She has a problem with her legs, and she cannot walk fast, and it was over 8pm. It will take around 45 minutes for her to walk to the nearest train station due to her legs condition, and she asked me whether I would mind to give her a company until the train station in the Victoria street. – I could have just refused and get back to my hotel in 10 minutes, but then I thought again… she seemed so weak physically, and there’s no reason for me not to help her… so I walked her to the train station… and there was a moment… when I suddenly realized… somehow somewhere… I knew her, and I had experienced the same thing while I walked with her… the surrounding, the atmosphere, everything the same… felt like a strong dejavu. I had been there with that soul… it felt strange… we walked without talking. But I felt… me meeting her, was not a coincidence… it was meant to be…

Once we reach the train station, before she continue her journey, she took both of my hands, and said ‘I believe that your mother very lucky to have you.’

I was surprise to hear that… then she continued… and looking to my eyes… she said a prayer for me, and giving me her bless. I was stunned and speechless. She left.

I was standing for a while in the road… before I started walk back to the hotel. And I realized, I never know what her name was. Serendipity… in a couple hours, a woman I never know, giving me her prayer… it was meant to be… I felt the peace with me, and was not worrying the heart matters that previously bothering me…

As I try to recall what has happened in my life… I recognized… there are coincidences… serendipities… for each situation… and I love to recognize each of it… because it gives me a serene feeling inside me… feel that someone there caring about me so much… without me knowing it… it made my soul dancing and flying around… it makes me smile and able to love others… Thank you Lord…

Just a sharing… from the current book I’m reading…

"If a man we dont know phones us up one day and talks a little, makes no suggestions, says nothing special, but nevertheless pays us the kind of attention we rarely receive, we’re quite capable of going to bed with him that same night, feeling relatively in love. That’s what we women are like, and there’s nothing wrong with that — it’s the nature of the female to open herself to love easily — in the book of the witch of portobello, by paulo coelho"

I’m reading the Witch of Portobello these days, and when read that part, I stop reading and thinking to myself… is that right?

IF… most of women are like that… then it’s tough to be a woman… and it’s fun to be a guy… nothing wrong…

Just as women… we have to fight to be in our conscience all the time… and not ruled by the feeling (which often happens)… And (as a woman) I know it’s hard to do… ignoring the feeling makes us feel so bad.

When the logic is in the opposite side of the feeling, then the battle start in our heart and mind… we need our inner conscience… to tell us the secret to win the battle… and stick to the advice given, though a part of us get wounded — kc –

Today I watch the Ugly Betty in Star World, the last episode for this season. And it makes me realize how precious life and chance are.

In this episode Betty was trying to find her grandmother (from her mother side) by going to other country. And on the way she kept on seeing Henry on the way riding a bike… she felt it like a hallucination, but then she realizes that she’s in love with Henry. (Henry is her colleague in office – office romance? :p)

Betty told her father that she wants to fight for Henry… because she knows the love that she feels – isn’t it romantic? :p (also pathetic at the same time? … excuse me for my sarcasm ;p). Meanwhile, Henry is not single; he has a girlfriend (Charlie) who knows that Henry starts to fall for another girl in his office (Betty). Charlie has met Betty before, and she was furious with Betty after she knows that Henry has feeling for Betty.

And then… when Betty going back home, she’s trying to call Henry to tell him about what she feels. She managed to tell him… and Henry told her that he has broken up with Charlie, that he also has the same feeling with Betty, so they arrange for their first date…

While Betty was preparing her first date, she is cooking for Henry… suddenly the bell rang… she thought it is Henry… and SURPRISE… it is Charlie…

Charlie told Betty that she’s pregnant. She claims that it’s Henry’s.

Betty is shock… speechless… and bell rang again… this time it’s Henry… and things becoming awkward… Betty – Henry – Charlie

So… our Betty is broken heart… Henry chooses to be responsible for the baby… and planning to move back with Charlie to their home town and marry her.

And somehow… through her dentist, Betty found out that Charlie’s might not be pregnant by Henry… but maybe with someone else she was seeing for the last couple weeks. Right away Betty is trying to run after Henry to the airport, to tell him about it… but the film finished by showing Henry and Charlie in the plane, they’re about to take off… Henry with his own mind, and Charlie is trying to hold his hand…

— end of the season — we have to wait for the next season… (which I hope it will be happy ending for Betty and Henry ;p)

And something hits my mind after seeing the movie… life is only once… so you have to be careful of what you’re choosing and what you’re doing… you will not want to be trapped in a situation like that… where you have to be responsible for something you have done, and forced to leave something that you really love… I can see how Henry broke his own heart… he chooses to be a responsible man for things that he has done… and on the other hand… he has to hurt and to leave the one that he loves…

I cannot imagine… if Henry has to live like that for the rest of his life… will he be happy by marrying Charlie (which he realizes that she’s not the love of his life). He will just do his life like an obligation… nothing else… it is just like the punishment for life…

How about Charlie? She can have Henry… she can have the one that she loves… but she doesn’t have it completely… she cannot have his heart… will she be happy living like that? How long she will be okay with that situation?

And Betty… she is broken heart even before the love starts to begin… what will happen to her? Well… — she can just find another love on her life… yes she will, I believe in that… but I also believe that she will not forget about this wound…

Life is a choice… suddenly I realize… that I have to be careful when I’m choosing my way… I don’t want to be trapped for the rest of my life… marrying someone that I realize that I don’t love that much (Henry)… or marrying someone, whose heart belong to other (Charlie)… whatever I’m doing now, will lead me to my future… thus I need to choose which way to go, and which way to avoid… so I will not be trapped in ‘permanent jail’ situation in life…

So… for my guy friends… be careful of what you’re doing… :), don’t make the girls that you don’t want to marry to get pregnant…

And for the girls… be careful also of what you’re doing… :), don’t get pregnant from the guys you don’t think worth enough to be your partner in life :p

Broken heart is only a way to live… there’s a time when your heart is flying up to the sky (when you’re in love)… there’s a time when your heart is stagnant (when you feel cold inside your heart)… there’s a time when your heart in pain (when you broken heart)…

For Betty, here I try to Quote from one of Paulo Coelho’s writing — Warrior of Light Online - #161 about Convention of those wounded in love (here I will just quote the Article 1 and the final determination) – in the last line of Article 5, Paulo said… “… Alcohol is only tolerated if kept to a maximum of two glasses of wine a day.” à I love this remark :p

Whereas the saying “all is fair in love and war” is absolutely correct

Article 1 – All lovers, of any sex, are alerted that love, besides being a blessing, is also something extremely dangerous, unpredictable and capable of causing serious damage.  Consequently, anyone planning to love should be aware that they are exposing their body and soul to various types of wounds, and that they shall not be able to blame their partner at any moment, since the risk is the same for both.

… … …

Final determination: Those wounded in love, unlike those wounded in armed conflict, are neither victims nor torturers.  They chose something that is part of life, and so they have to accept both the agony and the ecstasy of their choice.

And those who have never been wounded in love will never be able to say: “I have lived”.  Because they haven’t.

What is a different between love and obsession?

It’s a common topic everyday where ever we go. What is love? What is obsession? When should we say love, and when should we realize that we are obsessed?

I remember back to 5 years ago, there was an episode of Power Puff Girl (my favorite heroes ;p) in cartoon network, at 6am in the morning. I woke up early and watch the episode where Bubble found a whale, and she loves him so much… so she took him home and put him in a bath tub. After some times the whale started to get sick, and Bubble was very sad. The Professor then told Bubble, that she cannot keep the whale at home, because it will make him die. But Bubble said that she loves the whale very much that’s why she wanted him near. So the Professor told Bubble something like this, “When you love someone, you have to set them free…” … and by the end of the episode, Bubble took the whale back to the ocean, and since she loves animals, she went to the zoo and release all the animal from the zoo…

Well… it’s a cartoon… but I like the message, and it makes me think for years about what the professor has said to Bubble. Many people agree with that kind of thought, but facing difficulties to do it in real life. Why?

Because sometimes we are blind, when we think we’re in love, perhaps we love the feeling that we feel… we love that feeling so much… and we don’t want the feeling to go… and we love to satisfy ourselves with the feeling… — but does it means we love the other person? Or we just love ourselves so much, and we want things that we love happen to us… regardless what others may feel… well when that’s the case… I call it obsession. Obsessed to have the thing that we love, because we know that thing will satisfy ourselves, and give us a pleasure feeling.

When we’re obsessed with someone… we want that person to be there for us, and only for us… over reacted jealousy will emerge when we see that someone getting close to another person… the insecure feeling of losing the person will appear…

What will happen next? No one will be happy… neither of us nor the person we love… we don’t feel secure… afraid of losing the person… and the person feel imprison and unable to be themselves. When obsession ruling our heart… it kills the love and there will be no happiness for us… we will be demanding to each other, having days full with jealously and arguments, no trust and no respect towards each other, and by the end we only hurt  the one that we love…

How to love without being obsessed?

[My opinion might be different from others… but this is what I believe…]

When we love someone… we have to give them a free love… just like a bird… let them fly… let them be themselves… let them find their own way… and once they’re flying back to us… it means they have found us as their home… and we will live with love and trust and respect to each other… because without respect and trust… love will fail…

Let them fly… to see the world and find the meaning of their life…

Let them be themselves… they need to find their own soul, their own rhythm and what/or who they love…

Let them find their own way… to learn what life is all about… we cannot teach them by text book or theory about life… but they need to learn from the up and down they have to face each day in their life… [and we can be there for them, happy when they’re happy… and giving them our ears and hugs when things get tough – being there without demanding]

What should we do when the one that we love is flying high to the sky?

Well I guess… first we can keep on praying, that God’s hands will protect and lead them to the right way to reach the purpose of their life… and fly away happily ourselves… getting the fullest of our lives… while waiting the one we love to come home to us…

Loving someone means to give the best of us … instead of demanding the best of them for us…

Love is giving… instead of asking…

When you love someone, you’ll be happy to see them happy…

Once I heard his voice, I feel a bit nervous… and once Oliver saw me… he was so excited, cheerful and loveable

olie: rrrr… rrrr… rrrr…

kc: hi olie… nice meeting you…

We’re introducing each other, I accompany him while having his snack… and he starts to come closer to me…

kc: yes olie… what do you want?

olie: I want to sit with you…

kc: ok… sit with me then…

olie: I want to see your face…

kc: ok… here I am… (while hugging him ;p)

olie: rrrr… rrrr…. I want to kiss you…

kc: oh… no olie… not now… I don’t kiss on a first date…

olie: rrrr… rrrr… please… please… please…

kc: not now olie… you will ruin my make up…

olie: please… just one kiss… please… (he’s looking at me with a begging eyes… )

kc: ok… ok… you can kiss me now… just one kiss…

olie: slurp… slurp… rrrr… rrrr… rrrr…

It’s a happy date, though Oliver insisted to kiss me on my face on the first date which I usually never do ;). He’s very smart and he loves to sit on my lap, while my hands rubbing his head and neck… and hugging him… now I wish to take him home… he’s very cute… and loveable…

Well sometimes I think… it’s easier to love animal than to love other person :p … with Oliver… just at one second I can fall in love with him… while it will takes time to fall in love with another person… maybe I should start thinking to have a puppy for myself …

How do we find the courage to be true to ourselves – even if we are unsure of who we are?

The Witch of Portobello – Paulo Coelho

Less than 48 hours, the year of 2007 will be closed… a new chapter will begin :). Over 30 years looking for a reason to live, trying to find answers for each question, learning how to deal with the uneasiness, and facing an unexpected reality… I thank God for the colorful life He has given to me… there was the time when dark surrounds me, and I felt no answer replied to my cries… and over the time I also learn that God heals me in an amazing way… rainbows surrounds me, showing me the path that I have to step… His amazing grace always around me…

After being up and down for the last few years, this year I’m learning to stay still… trying to listen… open my precious heart… recognize the angels in my life… and stop struggling when God is trying to shape me… stop arguing with God, and be still like a rough diamond, should suffer in a process in order to be a beautiful stone…

I thank God… for not giving me up when I’m closing my heart and pushing Him away. For the miracles He has given to me in an unexplainable way… showing that He’s there loving me… for teaching me everyday to know my own soul, and be friend with His. I really thank God for the love I feel, for the life, for the courage, for my families, and for the best friends in any forms…

Dear my best friends… ndut, ardy, jas, fan, jul, ri, yan, cis, san, ses, rom… who always be there celebrating the good times and hugging me in the bad times… all of you are there in every seasons… and I’m glad that you also include me in every seasons of your life… I love you all… the companionships, shared thoughts, cares… enriching me in a good way…

Dear chhotu… we’ve been through a few years together… and there was happy time when we were together… though I miss you dearly… I understand the points you said… that reality is not as simple as what we wish for… I’m as scared as you are… I’m as confuse as you are… and still we have to move on forward… but I want you to know that you have a special place in my heart

Dear my new good friends in D.A.T.E. … I have never told you all in details what has happened in my life… but I thank God to send you all to me in the right time… every week we meet, you all giving me another courage to start my life again… to have more faith in God and in myself… to be brave to reach my dreams… a chance to share goodness to you all… and to accept the love you have shared… from now I will concentrate on my strength… the passion to write, and the passion about food, and the passion to care and help others…

Dear the one who for the last couple weeks be there for me… listening to my fears, to my complains, the care you show me… you made me feel much better… I enjoy every second I spent with you… every ‘cheers’ we have :)… and I love hearing your stories… and you remind me about myself…(somehow we’re the same) and just like you… I’m struggling to live in the present time… I understand the fears, the confusion, the emptiness, the hurt from the past… we’re all the same… I just wish, you could find courage to be true to yourself, find the real meaning of happiness… find the answer you’re looking for and choose the right path to reach it… I want you to have the true peaceful happiness… there’s a real true love for your life if you brave enough to seek… you must have known where to find it…

Dear all… I don’t have a precious present for your Christmas or new year… only this writing which come truly from my heart… about how I feel, how I thank you all, how I appreciate you all… and how I love you all :), and you’re all the angels of my life who appear in many faces

One big chapter of my life is closed now… and a new empty book ready to be written

I’m ready to move on …

beyond the limit…

as I recall what I did

never thought I will be

crossing my own belief

for a second I was lost

naïve…  foolish…  imprudent…

explaining my behavior…

empty… meaningless… mystify…

explaining my feeling…

lost… my way to the purpose

dark… surrounding the common sense

clueless… which step I should move

alone…

myself…

in the dark of the night…

the moon is smiling

still it feels cold

showing no clues… no hints… nothing…

cold… how my heart feel

dry… how my soul feel

lonely… … …

don’t know what to do

don’t know which way to go

don’t know which decision to make

betrayal… ???

deceit… ???

or fear of the consequences from the truth ???

leave the situation??

ignore the individual??

run away from the reality??

I cannot change …

I am not regretting …

though I don’t know which way to step …

with fear…

I try to move on my feet… up front…

leaving the individual…

while learning to solve the things

hoping…

at one day he will be able to catch up my step

with integrity… and honesty…

walking beside me

with sincerity and love

hand in hand

forever and ever

till death do us part

sealed with peaceful smiles

showing the serene souls

as the soulmate found at the end of the day

27 dec 2007